Show me the money?

In my law practice it happens that occasionally I sue people. Usually, people owing my clients money, one-way or the other. And it happens as well that at least just as occasionally the debtors try to discourage my pursuit by dropping subtle hints that they are broke. They all suggest that if we ever get a judgment against them we could paper the wall with the order, decree or judgment, as it would be unenforceable. Some debtors are not as subtle in suggesting where we could put that judgment. I have concluded that there are no limits to the imagination these people employ to try to convey to me that they are financial deadbeats.

I recently wrote a letter on behalf of a client to a gentleman who simply refused to pay for some furniture sold to him. The man called me back. I expected him to say something like, “No problem, your letter has driven the fear of the Lord into me. I shall send you a cheque the minute I get off the phone”. Instead he bellowed, “I have no money. If your client sues me, it will be futile...after all you can’t squeeze blood from a stone.”

We ended the conversation with an equally bold comment by myself wherein I said, “watch me”.

After I got off the phone I conceded to myself that perhaps my comment was a bit cavalier as my surname was Goswami, not Sorcar.

His comment did however make me think. Certainly it would be quite a scientific achievement if we were able to get blood out of a stone. I can just see some patient in surgery who needs a transfusion and the doctor says, “Mr. Sarma needs a unit of A positive. Nurse Rita, please squeeze that red stone twice.”

A few days later I sent off a missive to another character asking for money. This guy did not call me back but he wrote a curt note concluding with the words: “Tell your client I don’t have two pennies to rub together.”

I wondered what that inane English expression was supposed to mean. I am over a quarter-century-old and I have never witnessed anybody with money rubbing two pennies together. I almost felt like delivering two new rupee coins to him and see what he does with them.

Both these expression evoked some magical quality. You squeeze a stone and presto, out comes a liter of blood. Or you rub two pennies together and Bingo, out pops a piggy bank.

The third character I tried to educe money from was not as discretionary in his choice of expressions of impecuniosity’s. He called me back and said, “Tell your client I don’t have a house to live in or even a toilet to piss in.”

I thought that at least he had his priorities in life straight. I can just see him winning a lottery and then after he picks up his cheque his first stop is to the contractor’s to get himself a flat with a toilet

Then there was the character who tried to put a guilt trip on me when I pushed him for money. He said, “I know I owe your client the money. To get it however, I would have to steal from A to pay B.”

Being a totally ethical advocate I simply could not allow that. There was no way I wanted A to one day and come after me for inciting a felony. I suggested B would wait a bit for the funds. I am still waiting for B to pay my bill.

I also sympathize with the deadbeat who appeals to my nature-conscious heartstrings. He will say something like, “I would gladly pay your client but I am as poor as a mouse.”

So far whenever I hear that one I always ask my clients to be indulgent. I am however considering investigating the financial status of mice, as you never know. Just maybe the Pied Piper shares some of its fabled opulence with its mice. Who knows?

Some deadbeats try to argue their case with me by using contrasts. For example I had a smug debtor once tell me, “Your client wants to get paid? Who does he think I am, King Midas?”

Along the same lines, some of these guys suggest that my clients don’t need to collect this debt and that they should waive it. One guy told me, “J. Kalita doesn’t need my Rs. 40,000. He has money to burn.”

I have yet to meet someone who practices this luxurious habit. When I imagine someone doing it I also visualize that character without the toilet putting the fire out.

Then occasionally you get the philosopher. He agrees with everything you say and he concludes with, “Tell your client money isn’t everything”.

I once relayed that massage to my client and I regretted having done so. He then turned around and refused to pay my bill.

Another expression falling into the philosophical was the one used by a client’s ex husband whom I was pursing for arrears in support and maintenance to his wife. He casually told me, “Chase me if you wish but remember, you can’t get the shirt off a naked man.” He left me in no doubt that after marriage; public nudity was not an issue at all.

What I do not like is the cocky debtor who rubs my face in it. He says, “If your client wants to sue me, he’ll have to stand in line.” When I hear a comment like that, I say to my client, “Go for it. Take a number.”

One thing about the approach of all of these clowns is that they are consistent in their pleas. They claim they are broke, insolvent, belly up. They plead that they are down on their luck (although I still wonder about the plight of the mouse).

The individual I most detest is the dishonest one. We all know this guy. He says, “No problem, will give you the cheque by next week.”

When is the last time you ever saw delivery of this coveted cheque? And if it should ever arrive are you over the hurdle? What happens when it does not clear? You hear an array of excuses for this unfortunate but not totally unexpected event:

What? It bounced? Those guys at the Bank of India are incompetent.

My cheques are as good as gold. (Makes you wonder why anybody would ever want to hoard the yellow stuff when you can get this man’s cheques.)
What, my Rs. 5000 cheque to you bounced? You must be kidding. Just the other day I transferred Rs. 50,000 from my account in HSBC, Singapore which would more than cover this piddly sum.
What do you mean my cheque is no good! Are you accusing me of giving you a bum cheque? Do you know my reputation in the business community?

At least this last guy probably isn’t telling you lies.

Sometimes it all makes you want to bring back the days of Dickens when debtors were often put into prison. These days if they go there at least they could probably derive some benefit and learn about financial planning when they run into the likes of executives from Enron or maybe ex-MLA’s or even Mr. Telgi.